Funnies

Random Life Thoughts

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is….”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

I don’t have gray hair; I have “wisdom highlights..” I’m just very wise.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

At my age “a good day” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

*****

Hahahaha!  I love the “play on words” kind of funnies! 

Have a lovely weekend! And that’s NOT a play on words!

via WordPress

Funnies, Jokes, Laughing