There’s a YouTube Channel I watch sometimes. It’s a channel on the MBTI personalities, and the guy who runs it often does these little comedy sketches to illustrate the different personalities and how they might react in a certain situation.
His most recent video popped up in my feed as I was looking for something to distract myself. I absolutely lost it, laughing out loud at the INFJ representation. [https://youtu.be/kVDBy8sRDnE?t=69] I said almost the same thing in a conversation with a friend of mine recently. I was telling him how I wasn’t ready for my husband to not need me anymore.
My husband needed me. A lot. Not that he was helpless or ill or anything like that. It was that I spoiled the snot out of him and he lapped it up and wanted more. I saw to it that the only thing he did when he was not working was nothing. I asked no chores of him, made no demands on him.
It’s not that he wasn’t willing, oh no! Nearly every day, “Is there something you need me to do for you, Babe?”
Nearly every day I’d answer, “Nope, I’m good, Love! Just relax.”
My view on it was that he did the external contribution to our family by working and bringing home the paycheck, and I contributed internally to our family, by doing all the household stuff. It worked well for us.
I also washed and ironed his work clothes, made his lunch for work, prepared the coffee the night before so the timer would start the pot fresh for him in the mornings, and got his coffee cup and lunch ready for him to pick up as he walked out the door, and gave him a monthly haircut so he wouldn’t have to go to the salon.
Sometimes I’d give him a “hard time,” while laughing, and say, “You are so flipping spoiled! You have NO idea how good you’ve got it!” To which he’d reply, “I am spoiled! Totally! And I DO know it, because I know I’d be totally lost without you. Are you kidding? I can’t take care of myself as well as you take care of me. Thank you, for everything you do.”
Welp! Take the wind out of my sails. That man!
From the start, we practically lived inside each other’s heads, finishing sentences, picking up moods. Once we figured out the Aspie, he turned to me to help him navigate “how normals do things.” I was his First Reader and he bounced every story idea he had off me.
I adored how passionate he got about things. I loved his brilliance, his humor, his laughter, his silly voice skits. I loved how he needed me, almost as much as I needed him.
And now that he’s no longer here for me to take care of, I feel lost and clueless, without focus and anchor. I said to my friend the other day that widow-brain is a thousand times worse than pregnancy-brain. She laughed and said, “Honey, that is the truth!” She lost her husband about 18 mos ago and knew exactly what I meant.
I am now part of a very special club. Maybe they’ll need me.
~Vanessa
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Personal, Relationships, Husband, Widow
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