Happy Pepper Day

It’s Pepper Day! 

And I forgot, until I saw a WordPress notice, from the lovely Rarasaur, and I was reminded.

Here I am on Pepper Day, with everything to say.

And nothing to say.

It’s like that space I fall into whenever I touch my husband’s things.  I fear I am going to hyperventilate and I fear I am going to stop breathing, at the same time.  I don’t know how I exist in this space.

The words travel through me and around me, in and out of me, in front of and behind me, and stay stuck inside me at the same time. 

The memories swirl through my space and time and collide with dreams we had of the future and there are moments it’s hard to detangle them one from another. 

Grief is old, as old as time, and fresh every moment of every day.  I could count the days since he’s been gone, but why?  Every day is an eternity, and every moment is but a blink, and how do you count that? 

I’m okay, really, and I’ll never be okay again.  That’s the honest truth.  There’s a new Normal in town and I don’t know how I exist in this space.

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I’ve been connecting with my older girls so that’s been super nice.  They came out for my husband’s memorial and have been incredibly supportive.  I’m actually considering taking my first oldest up on her offer to move closer to her – she lives in Ohio.  I’ve been working a few days a week for a couple from church, helping them with their “side-hustle” business and that’s been good.  Also interviewed for a full-time job for another place but haven’t heard back yet on that one.  And working on boosting my soaping business and getting my men’s line off the ground.  Been trying to spend more time with my younger two.  They’re not clingy, but they do miss their dad and I think it helps when we have meals together and just spend time talking.  They seem to like hanging with me, imagine that!  lol  “Teens like hanging with their mother, film at 11” 

We’ve been comet watching, too.  I found us a spot to drive out to so we can see and that’s been really special. 

So my WordPress neglect hasn’t been on purpose and I apologize for how long it’s taking me to respond to comments.  I will get there, I promise! 

That’s how I am on Pepper Day. 

How about you?

via WordPress

Pepper Day