Sunday Suspension of my Poblano Theme of “Personal Mottos” to do more of a free-write kind of thing.
I was on the phone this week with a friend of mine. We’ve known each other for years. I told her that I’ve been struggling with some kind of emotional thing with feeling overwhelmed somehow and she asked me to explain. I told her about the sad events that had taken place around me recently, and that in the last year or so I’ve learned that in addition to being an INFJ, I’m also an HSP, and an empath. Her response? “Duh! You didn’t know that already?”
God bless her!
I told her that I always knew I had a strong streak of empathy, but I struggled to embrace the term “empath.” Hello, Star Trek! It still rolls around oddly in my mouth but I’m a little more accepting of it now.
Then, I was reading this article [What Happens When a Highly Sensitive Person Grows Up with Emotional Neglect? ] and somewhere in there was a link to another website where there was a test, and I took it. It was about measuring how likely you are to have something called Childhood Emotional Neglect, or CEN. I scored like 17 out of 22.
Part of the way I’m different about knowing I had a lot of CEN is that it doesn’t make me feel bad. While there may have been a time or two my mother went overboard in how she punished me (and I’m not claiming I didn’t deserve to be punished, I could be a brat at times), I wasn’t abused in the traditional sense. I was a tiny bit closer to my father than my mother, but I never truly felt bonded to either of them and was convinced that some day my “real parents” would show up. I’m pretty convinced though that my mother was a misogynist so that added a fun dynamic. *eyeroll* Throw in an ACE or two and here I am in all my glittery glory. 
But you want to know what’s really stupid? I want to do this unsent letters thing. I know in my heart I need to do it. I need to purge some thoughts and feelings, get things out of my head. I seem to hold on to thoughts and memories until I write them down and can then forget them because “the paper remembers for me.” I got a journal for it and everything. Yet the dumbest thing holding me back is … to whom am I going to “address” the first “letter”? Who’s going to get that peculiar “honor”? I have this weird hiccup that someday, someone will find it and think that the 1st person I wrote an unsent letter to must be more significant than any of the others, when they aren’t.
It’s okay to laugh at me. I’m laughing at me! I know how ridiculous it is! Like there are journal police out there just waiting to judge journal entries. *ShakingMyHead*
You know how I feel? Like a runner who’s tied their own shoelaces together. As much as I feel like I need to plan what I want to write, maybe it would help me to just throw names in a jar or something and then pick one at random. I have to start somewhere!
Thank you for sharing in my journey. 
You guys are awesome! 
__________________________________________________
*****
#NanoPoblano
https://cheerpeppers.wordpress.com/
#NanoPoblano2018, NanoPoblano, NanoPoblano2018, CheerPeppers, #CheerPeppers, #NaBloPoMo, TinyPeppers, #NanoPoblano, #TeamTinyPeppers,
*****
via WordPress
2018 NanoPoblano, #CheerPeppers, #NaBloPoMo, #NanoPoblano2018, NanoPoblano, TeamTinyPeppers, TinyPeppers
No comments:
Post a Comment