#NanoPoblano2018 Day 4

I figured on Sundays I’d suspend my Poblano Theme of “Personal Mottos” and do more of a free-write kind of thing.  So naturally my mind goes completely blank.  What could I possibly write about that might even remotely entertain or interest you? 

Perhaps that.

When I first started blogging, back in ‘06, I thought of blogging as a personal platform – a place where I could share my thoughts about things.  Turned out though that [A]I’ve become much too private to do that well anymore, [B]I’m rather a stoic in a lot of ways and don’t emote very well, and [C] no one really cared. 

So, I stick to the funnies and remembering holidays and things of that nature. 

I am, however, most drawn to bloggers who pour their hearts out on their blogs.  They fill me with their feelings [I’m also an empath, I’ve learned] and curiosity.  They fascinate me, in the same way that rainbows do.  They also fill me with a strange sort of envy.  I want to express like that! 

But I have no idea how to, really. 

It’s like watercolor painting.  I could watch a million videos and take a million classes on how to paint with watercolors, and pick up a million brushes … and still have no idea how to do it.

Sure, I’ve slammed a door or yelled at someone, and been filled with instant horror at my own behavior, despite the rage that was streaming through me at the time.  I have never thrown a plate at anyone, although I’ve wanted to!  But, the mess!  And someone might get hurt!  I shed an embarrassing tear or two at movies, but the ugly-cry is off limits. 

I have journals.  I got them because I wanted to get back into the habit of journaling.  And I wanted to try that morning pages thing, and the unsent letters thing.  But, I haven’t yet really done it.  It’s taken me a long time to figure out why and I think it’s because I’m afraid. 

I have been very Scarlet O’Hara with my emotions – “Fiddle-dee-dee, I won’t think about that today, I’ll think about that tomorrow, after all, tomorrow is another day.”

And now I have this craptastic mountain of stuff that I’ve simply set aside while I had other life things to deal with, and the size of that mountain is rather scary. 

The rawness I’ve been feeling lately tells me that the time has come for me to deal with things I’ve set aside.  It’s been a sad few weeks for me and I think I’ve realized that I’m full now.  I don’t think I can hold any more feeling in restraint.  I think the straws on that camel’s proverbial back have reached full capacity and one more is going to cause the whole thing to collapse.  And being the kind of person I am, I would much rather deal with this in an orderly fashion than have a mess on my hands, lol. 

I may just share this journey with you, if you’ll let me. 

~Vanessa

 

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